7 Songs To Fight Everyone At The Bar
In honor of our upcoming fiesta, this was taken directly from the Monster Children magazine site. It has some serious gems from time to time:
We’ve all been there. You’re at the bar, a song comes on the jukebox and suddenly you’re fighting everyone. Don’t feel bad– it’s normal. Some songs just make you want to maim folks. Here’s 7 songs guaranteed to turn you into unconquerable barroom berserker.
1. Gonna Fly Now (Theme From Rocky)
Duh. Of course this is number 1. As if you’re not going lose your shit the second this comes on. And don’t worry about property damage– if the proprietor had any sense he wouldn’t have this on his jukebox in the first place; he’s asking for it. ‘Bah-bahbah-bah-bahbah-bah-bah-baaaaah!’ Whip someone across the face with the business end of a pool cue.
2. The Devil Went Down to Georgia. The Charlie Daniels Band.
I recommend breaking a glass over your own head the second this tune pipes through the speakers. Then break a chair over your neighbor’s head and kick over a table. Then slide that little dude down the bar. Then dance a quick jig and scissor kick that pregnant lady–she shouldn’t even be in the bar: it’s a bar. The Devil Went Down to Georgia is a fight-everyone-in-the-tavern-song par excellence. Extra points if you’re actually in Georgia. Extra extra points if you are naked and on meth.
3. The Pyramid Song. Radiohead
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did someone just put on Radiohead? And not just Radiohead, but Radiohead’s single most miserable song? This is a bar, not a fucking funeral. I’ll tell you what, it’s gonna look like a funeral in a few minutes, though, you dour bastards. Pin a Radiohead fan to the wall with the legs of a stool and urinate on his G-Stars.
4. Whole Lotta Love. Zepppelin
This song is about making love, a whole lot of love, so how come the riff makes me want to punch you in the dick?
5. In the Summertime. Mungo Jerry
Mungo fucking Jerry. It’s not enough that he has the stupidest stage name in history, he has to write the corniest song that ever fouled the airwaves. There are stranger’s farts I’ve enjoyed hearing more than this. I hate you Mungo Jerry, and in lieu of thumping you in your big, misshapen head, I’m going to put a cigarette out on my own face, shriek like a banshee and throttle the man next to me with my belt.
6. March of the Pigs. Nine Inch Nails
I’m not even explaining this one. Duh to the power of 50.
7. Don’t Call Me Whitey, N#####. Body Count/Jane’s Addiction
At its heart, this song is about tolerance, but there’s always some fucker in the room who wants to appear morally superior to everyone else, and that fucker will feign indignation and start lecturing those around him about the injurious nature of racial epithets. It’s your job to karate chop him in the neck and kick him in the balls. Then spit on the bartender and start windmilling your arms and screaming like you’re on fire.
